How to do well in exams

As you may or may not know, I am magic at exams. I can't keep my room tidy or stay focussed for more than thirty seconds (I literally spaced out twice while writing these first two sentences), but I regularly get 80 and above in exams that by all rights I should have failed. Like, that exam that I started properly revising for two hours beforehand*. So since I have this power, I feel I should use it for good, and share the secrets of passing exams, or at least maths exams, with the very small bit of the internet that knows I exist.

Preparation

1 Year Before
Go to all your lectures/classes/seminars. Seriously, if you're like most people and learn better by watching you are saving so much time just by turning up. If I had turned up to first year I would have to do so much less cramming now. Also take meticulous notes. You won't use them, but for some arcane reason it helps. Oh, and do at least some of the questions, even if it's just the assignment ones.

1 Month Before
Start thinking about revising. Remember that you are not revising and the exams are a month away. Panic. Forget about exams and go back to watching Battlestar. (Alternatively, actually revise and get full marks without giving yourself an ulcer).

1 Week Before
CRAM LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT. Yes, for long-term learning it does nothing, but for exams it is pretty much the only way to get everything in there. This is the bit where your brain will be bursting at the seams and you will get overstimulated almost constantly. You may also start to fear your question sheets and past papers. This is a good point to remember that the exercise sheets are meant to stretch and the exam will be much easier.

2 Hours Before
This is not the time to kick your caffeine habit. Coffee yourself up (but not too much, or you'll have to use the loo in the middle of the exam and use valuable time).

And now for the part that's relevant to competent people too

In the Exam
As you can see, my preparation's not up to much. So how do I actually pass? Well there's a step-by-step process to answering questions that will basically get you through any maths exam you ever take:

1. Write down the important bits from the question. You know the advice they gave you in secondary school to underline the key words? Well, this is the same, but it actually works because you have to focus on what you're writing, whereas you can underline any old thing.
2. Write down everything you know. The definitions, all the axioms, whatever. Somewhere in there is the clue to the question.
3. If you can remember half of something, write that down and fill in the blanks. If your exam is full of arrows leading to bits where you've realised that another step goes in there, the examiner will still follow all of them. This is not a time for perfectionism.
4. If all else fails, make up something that gets the right answer. It might just be right.

And then here's a trick it seems some people never learn: when you are tired, take a break. Stare at the wall or have a little snooze, then go back to working. My brain works for two hours. After that, it gets full of scraps of information that have got stuck from previous questions and needs an airing-out. But this time is not just for recharging, it's also when your subconscious works on problems your conscious brain is stuck on, and you can come back from your little space-out with an idea of the answer.

The final secret

Afterwards, just take a que sera sera attitude to the results, which is incredibly easy to do because you have no control over them.

Okay, so easier said than done if you don't have a ridiculous amount of confidence, but seriously, relax, because you're going to be stressed again once term starts up anyway, and if I've made you fail miserably, then at least you got to enjoy those last three weeks.

*Disclaimer: I actually did the assignments for this course, and a cursory amount of work during the holidays before I forgot I was doing that subject. I'm magic, but I'm not omnipotent.